Casting Ready Player One

I just finished Ready Player One. Since the movie rights have already been sold, I thought I'd take a crack at casting it.

Parzival, Art3mis, Aech, Diato, Shoto: Go watch Ratatouille and pay close attention to Patton Oswalt's performance as Remy. Listen to him when talks about food. Hear how much joy and excitement it brings him, how much he wants to share his excitement with the world. Patton (and everybody at Pixar) absolutely nailed what it means to be a geek. That's what a Ready Player One movie needs: 5 young Patton Oswalts. Each of the main gunters needs to be able to convey the knowledge, passion, and dedication that makes somebody a geek.

That being said... I know this is getting off to a bad start, but I honestly have no idea of who to cast the main heroes since they're all supposed to be so young and I just can't think of the right teenaged actors for these parts. (I have faith, however, that you'll be able to help me in the comments section.) There is one young gunter who I have plenty of ideas about...

I-r0k: He's a total poser, so even though he's in high school he'd want his avatar to look stronger, older, more attractive, and cooler than he is in real life. One way to go would be to cast an actor in their 20s who's all of the things i-r0k would want to pretend he is. The very funny Donald Glover springs to mind. But to really establish i-r0k as a poser, I like the idea that he'd make his avatar look like a classic movie star (a contemporary star from our perspective.) i-r0k would want to see himself as somebody like Keanu Reeves or Will Smith. I can easily imagine Parzival and Aech calling him on it, too. ("Who died and made you Neo?") Since the humor would come from the disparity of the famous, action movie veteran getting trash talked and acting like an insecure kid, my final answer is Dwayne Johnson. I know that turns the name "i-r0k" into a terrible joke, but I swear I didn't mean it. I just like him because he's a great comic actor and his massive size would really solidify the character's poser status.

James Halliday: He's lonely, obsessed, sad, world weary, brilliant, and crazy. My first thought was Matt Frewer. He might read a little too old if you want to hold onto 40 as Halliday's base age. Robert Downey Jr. is another good pick, but Wil Wheaton already called dibs on the part, and we have to play by the rules. Sorry Robert. Wil Wheaton is Halliday.

Nolan Sorrento: This needs to be somebody who can be as good as Tilda Swinton was in Michael Clayton. (Her performance in the negotiation scene... holy crap was that good.) On the one hand, Sam Rockwell is perfect for the part. But after Iron Man 2 (it was okay) and Charlie's Angels (ugh) does Sam really want to play this kind of schmucky/evil character again? I thought about Nathan Fillion and Billy Crudup... but I finally landed on William H. Macy. The idea of him playing the, um... transformed version of Sorrento is just funny to me.

Acererak: This is a special effects driven character, so first let's talk about the voice actor. When I played D&D as a kid, I imagined everybody having a British accent. It just felt more regal and medieval that way. There's a lot of great options, but the two actors that leap to mind are Jonathan Pryce and Tim Curry. They've got the vocal chops and, as a bonus, they've got geek cred that would impress the hell out of the gunters (Rocky Horror Picture Show, Legend, Something Wicked This Way Comes, Brazil...) It's close, but I'm going with Jonathan Pryce. Now, about the visuals. Most of the book takes place in a CGI world, but in the spirit of the 80s, I think this creature should be done the old fashioned way--with a life size puppet. Therefore, this one has to go to Brian Henson. I'm a puppet geek, so I could have tried to impress you with other people who's last name isn't Henson... but Brian is the puppeteer behind one of my favorite on screen villains: Audrey II in Little Shop of Horrors.   

The Sixers: Every Sixer in the game has the same avatar. They clearly have to all be played by Nolan North. It's not up for debate.

Ogden Morrow: Unlike Halliday, Ogden let's his true physical age show (which is going to be visually important to show how much time has passed since the 80s), but he still has a playfully energy about him. I'd be surprised if Ernest Cline wasn't visualizing Dr. Meredith in Real Genius when he wrote Ogden's scenes. Personally, I was visualizing Kevin Murphy when I read the book even though he's too young. Anyway, the role calls for somebody with a sparkle in his eye and an anti-authoritarian streak. Martin Mull is a very tempting choice, but I'm going to go with David Ogden Stiers. If you don't recall M*A*S*H as well as I do, you may only remember the gravitas and pompous qualities he gave Charles, but he also fleshed the character out with gleeful, almost boyish notes. If you're not convinced, just forget M*A*S*H and think of his work as Cogsworth in Beauty and the Beast.

Narrator: Yeah, the book doesn't have have an omniscient narrator since it's told from the point of view of its protagonist... but for structural reasons, I keep thinking of the film opening with a modified, almost Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy-esq sequence based on the books "human condition" sequence. So, here's how it adds up: HHG2G + Narration + Atheism = Stephen Fry.

Newscasters: IOI owns a large portion of the media, so the newscasters that pop up throughout the story really have to convey every spooky implication. They're significant in the way the newscasters were in Bob Roberts -- although in this reality, every one of them is like the smiling characters played by Susan Sarandon and James Spader. There aren't going to be any alternative, questioning journalists here. My picks: America Ferrera, James Rebhorn, and Felicia Day.

Max: Matt Frewer! I knew I'd find a part for him!

It's Not A Legend

Dear Producers of Red Riding Hood,

I have no problem with you trying to make a movie for adults based on a fairy tale. That's conceptually interesting. But please stop calling the original story a "legend" in your ads. You keep on using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Sincerely,

-Some Guy On The Net

Desk Toys (We'd Like to See)

I'm working on a fun little project that involves action figures, mini figs, and other similar toys. I'm finding lots of unusual stuff (thanks, internet!), but there were some characters that I was disappointed to see aren't available as toys. Here's a few characters and properties that ought to be turned into action figures:

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: There were some characters made from the new movie (although, if I'm not mistaken, there was no Trillian.) Nothing against Martin Freeman, but Simon Jones' Arthur Dent was iconic. Ditto on David Dixon's Ford Prefect.

Harriet the Spy: I really enjoyed the book by Louise Fitzhugh when I was a kid. Harriet was a geek and an anti-hero. She'd look good on your desk, but even more importantly, I think she be a good toy for kids. Speaking of kids...


Norville Barnes, Amy Archer, Sidney J. Mussburger, and Waring Hudsucker: You know, for kids.

Zoe Washburne, Kayle Frye, etc...: I found a few maquettes from Firefly, but just for Mal, Jayne, and River. Somebody should put the whole Serenity crew into toy form. Oh, forget that--somebody should have put the whole Serenity crew into a complete season. Or two. Or six.

While we're talking action figures, there was one especially unexpected one I found: Seth Godin. Seriously.

Harry Potter and the Start-Up Business

Fred and George Weasley are basically high-school dropouts who didn't get the best grades... but they still turned out to be the sharpest businessmen in the Wizarding world. If you want to know the secret to their success, check out The Marketing Wisdom of Fred and George Weasley.

Censoring Mark Twain

So, I guess this is what happens to you when you're in the public domain. An English professor named Alan Gribben is publishing an edition of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn under one cover (that's nice) and taking out the period-specific racial terms (that's very not nice.) Read the whole story in this New York Times article.

I'm not a fan of either book (although I like Twain in general), but the notion of whitewashing history like that is just plain yucky. All the arguments against this sort of censorship/bowdlerization are obvious. But I would like to also call attention to the sheer audacity of reworking Twain. How would Alan Gribben feel if somebody came along and changed his words to remove the parts they wish weren't there? Say, that give me a swell idea!

“I found myself thrown out of graduate school at Berkeley not wanting to teach either ‘Huckleberry Finn’ or ‘Tom Sawyer,’” Gribben said. “And I don’t think I’m alone.”

“I’m sanitizing Mark Twain--the sharp social critiques, the humor. I'm just obsessing about this one word," Mr. Gibbon said, "and I won't let the stories stand alone.”

This is fun! I take it back, Alan Gribben--you're really onto something with this whole putting-words-in-other-people's-mouths thing. By the way, you can't do a damn thing about this. Just like Mark Twain is defenseless against you in the public domain, you are defenseless against my re-writes thanks to a little help from my friends "fair use" and "parody." Now, if only I could figure out a way to profit off of this like you and your publisher are...

Bizarre Rainy-Day Recesss Movies

When I was in grade school, they would sometimes show short movies during recess if it was raining outside. This was back in the 70s, so our movies were shown on a real film projector. This used to be my favorite part of school--not watching the movies, but running the projector. I was the kid in class who was good at threading the projector. If you've never done it yourself, it was a great activity for a kid. It was like solving a hands on maze.

We didn't have many options, as I recall. I think we watched The Red Balloon a lot. (I think they were trying to teach us that foreign films are boring.) We also had something called Winter of the Witch. The one unforgettable element of this short was that the witch made magic pancakes. If you eat them, they make you happy. One character asks, "What did you put in them?" Acid, apparently, because every time somebody eats one, they hallucinate pretty, trippy colors.



Looking back, I have to wonder it some of my grade school teachers -- to borrow a phrase from Bill Clinton -- inhaled. Of course they weren't the ones who made the film, so it's unfair to suggest that. But, on the other hand, they must have been high to think it was good to show us the short film called All the Troubles of the World. It's based on a short story by Isaac Asimov, so they must have felt that gave it educational merit. But their judgment was questionable at best. I think it's probably a great read for a seventh- or eighth-grader, but for forth-graders it was just disturbing. It's a bit of a dystopian nightmare. Spoiler alert: It's set in a future where everybody depends way too much on a central computer called Multivac. As Multivac is given more responsibilities, it becomes sentient and suicidal. The classroom film version ends with the computer repeating "I want to die" over and over and over and over. Then it shuts down. That's super-creepy when you're a kid who really wanted to be outside playing kick ball.



Did that freak you the hell out, too? Maybe you should try having an extra helping of magic happy pancakes! You can watch the whole Winter of the Witch short here. (Warning: May induce flashbacks.)

Good Words Year Round

"Some people laughed to see the alteration in him, but he let them laugh, and little heeded them; for he was wise enough to know that nothing ever happened on this globe, for good, at which some people did not have their fill of laughter in the outset..."

-Charles Dickens

 

The Worst Comment I've Seen In a Long While

An actor (who as of this moment remains unnamed) fell during the Monday night performance of the new Spider-Man musical. He was hurt, potentially very seriously. You can read more about it in this New York Times article. 

I think that any sane and decent person is just hoping that this guy recovers. I shouldn't be surprised that there are people online who are neither sane nor decent, and yet the comments section on the above New York Times story still caught me off guard. There are plenty of reasonable comments from people who are concerned about the injured performer and the safety of all of the other actors. But then there's the bitchy folks who seem to take glee in this. They don't want to see the show shut down for safety concerns--they just want to enjoy a juicy story about an epic flop closing while it's still in previews. Yeah, I expected that.

Here's what caught me off guard: The third comment was from Tom from Boston. Here's what he wrote:

"Whee! What a disaster! And all this to bring us the deathless literature of comic books. Good God, what has "culture" deteriorated into?"

Fuck you, Tom from Boston. Fuck you for being so indifferent to the fact that a man is in the hospital tonight. Fuck you for using his pain as an opportunity to show everybody how ever so superior you are. (Golly Gee, where would we be if we didn't have Tom from Boston to tell us how terrible comic books are?) Fuck you, Tom from Boston, fuck you for the sick implication that this accident somehow would have been acceptable if it had been the result of somebody trying to bring us culture (in a form that you consider to be undeteriorated.) Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, a thousand times fuck you for opening your jaw-droppingly shitty post by saying "Whee!"

Tom, if you're reading this, you're no doubt thinking that it's hypocritical of me to complain about your complete lack of decency and online etiquette by telling you to fuck off. (How vulgar of me!) But honestly, is there any more appropriate response?

You have no sense of humanity, Tom from Boston. Fuck you.

If I Wrote the Copy for the Gulliver's Travels Trailer

"In a world where Jonathan Swift never wrote the book Gulliver's Travels, a man whose last name happens to be Gulliver goes on an adventure just like the Gulliver in the book. If the book had been written. Which it hasn't been in this world. Otherwise Jack Black would spend the whole movie saying 'This is just like that book we read in high school.'"

The Spoiler Alert to End All Spoiler Alerts

In his song "Spoiler Alert," MC Frontalot starts out by spoiling 15 movies. Then he moves on to give away the endings of Hamlet, the Roman Empire, and the 1980s. Spoiler Alert: At the end of the song you will forward it to all of your friends.

An Open Letter To Nick Hornby

Dear Nick Hornby,

I think there's been some kind of misunderstanding--I actually said Nick Hornsby (with an S) sucks. He's a douche I work with. He always takes credit for everything even when he was barely involved on the project. I actually really like you Nick Hornby (without an S). You write great novels. You write great lyrics. Even the movie versions of your books are pretty damn cool.

Anyway, sorry for the mix up. And, just to cut off any further confusion, I also enjoy the work of songwriter Bruce Hornsby. So if you're reading this, Bruce, please don't write a song about me.

Sincerely,

Some Guy On The Net