Forced Ultrasounds

I think I have a solution to the problem of states passing mandatory ultrasound laws that force women to have medically unnecessary procedures. Two solutions, actually. 1. The next time a state tries to pass legislation, ask the bill's sponsors to include a religious and moral exception. 2. Stop calling them "probes." Start calling them "dildos."

Facebook Theology, Part 1

Sometimes I simply can't understand what people are thinking when they post crap on Facebook. Here's this morning's version:

What They Probably Thought When They Shared This Image: "Ooo... this mentions God! I like God! And it's upbeat, too. If I share this on Facebook, that will really cheer up everybody who's having a bad day!"

What It Made Me Want to Do: I want to comment on this post 100 times. The first 99 times would be links to news articles. Articles about children being shot by racists. Articles about a cop who raped a woman. Articles about a soldier who shot civilians. Articles about poverty. Articles about disease. Underneath that list of articles chronicling the latest horrors the world has cooked up for us, I would write, "Do you honestly believe that your God wants this? Do you think your God arranged all of this just to set the stage for something good that's going to happen to you later today? If you do, then you need to go to church and apologize."

What I Actually Did: Incoherently muttered and swore to myself in the manner of Yosemite Sam.

It's Not Funny, Part 2

A quick update on Tuesdays post. I predicted Jay Leno would do the wrong thing. I just watched the monologue online. For a moment, I thought I would be proven wrong. Sadly, I was not. Somebody was assaulted, mutilated, and almost killed... but there was a penis joke to be made, so naturally Jay had to make it.

I'll say it again: It's not funny.

It's Not Funny

Today a story broke about a criminal who drugged their victim and tied them up. While the victim was waking up, the attacker took a knife and cut off part of the victim's body and proceeded to mutilate it.

Does that horrify you? Can you imagine how terrified the victim must have felt? Can you see the blood? Can you comprehend the physical pain?

The victim was a man. The criminal was his wife. The body part was his penis.

Is it funny now? If you have a husband, would you laugh and say "I'm going to take a knife and mutilate your body and maybe watch you bleed to death"?

Perhaps you've already heard this story on Facebook or maybe a friend e-mailed you a link. If so, make no mistake--it wasn't because somebody wanted to call your attention to the horrors of the world or to raise awareness for domestic violence. You heard about it because somebody thought it was funny.

Of course, the story doesn't open with a graphic description of the attack. The lead is "Woman Cuts Off Husband's Penis." It's stripped of the graphic truth and boiled down to two ideas:

1. Penis. Ha ha ha.
2. Men aren't always the ideal husbands. Ha ha ha.

There is nothing about this that's funny. But that won't stop the media from treating it like there is. Even when you see this on the evening news and they deliver the story with a straight face, you know they like the story because they simply like talking about titillating things.

And if you stick around after the news, I guarantee you that Jay Leno will be making actual attempts to get laughs from this. I hope he doesn't. I hope he has the common decency to realize that domestic violence, torture, vivisection, and attempted murder aren't funny. Does anybody think he'll do the right thing? Yeah, me neither.

But you can. When you see the e-mail about the assault land in your inbox, don't forward it to your friends like it's a good joke. When you see a link on Facebook, just type the following as your comment: It's not funny.

Censoring Mark Twain

So, I guess this is what happens to you when you're in the public domain. An English professor named Alan Gribben is publishing an edition of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn under one cover (that's nice) and taking out the period-specific racial terms (that's very not nice.) Read the whole story in this New York Times article.

I'm not a fan of either book (although I like Twain in general), but the notion of whitewashing history like that is just plain yucky. All the arguments against this sort of censorship/bowdlerization are obvious. But I would like to also call attention to the sheer audacity of reworking Twain. How would Alan Gribben feel if somebody came along and changed his words to remove the parts they wish weren't there? Say, that give me a swell idea!

“I found myself thrown out of graduate school at Berkeley not wanting to teach either ‘Huckleberry Finn’ or ‘Tom Sawyer,’” Gribben said. “And I don’t think I’m alone.”

“I’m sanitizing Mark Twain--the sharp social critiques, the humor. I'm just obsessing about this one word," Mr. Gibbon said, "and I won't let the stories stand alone.”

This is fun! I take it back, Alan Gribben--you're really onto something with this whole putting-words-in-other-people's-mouths thing. By the way, you can't do a damn thing about this. Just like Mark Twain is defenseless against you in the public domain, you are defenseless against my re-writes thanks to a little help from my friends "fair use" and "parody." Now, if only I could figure out a way to profit off of this like you and your publisher are...

The Worst Comment I've Seen In a Long While

An actor (who as of this moment remains unnamed) fell during the Monday night performance of the new Spider-Man musical. He was hurt, potentially very seriously. You can read more about it in this New York Times article. 

I think that any sane and decent person is just hoping that this guy recovers. I shouldn't be surprised that there are people online who are neither sane nor decent, and yet the comments section on the above New York Times story still caught me off guard. There are plenty of reasonable comments from people who are concerned about the injured performer and the safety of all of the other actors. But then there's the bitchy folks who seem to take glee in this. They don't want to see the show shut down for safety concerns--they just want to enjoy a juicy story about an epic flop closing while it's still in previews. Yeah, I expected that.

Here's what caught me off guard: The third comment was from Tom from Boston. Here's what he wrote:

"Whee! What a disaster! And all this to bring us the deathless literature of comic books. Good God, what has "culture" deteriorated into?"

Fuck you, Tom from Boston. Fuck you for being so indifferent to the fact that a man is in the hospital tonight. Fuck you for using his pain as an opportunity to show everybody how ever so superior you are. (Golly Gee, where would we be if we didn't have Tom from Boston to tell us how terrible comic books are?) Fuck you, Tom from Boston, fuck you for the sick implication that this accident somehow would have been acceptable if it had been the result of somebody trying to bring us culture (in a form that you consider to be undeteriorated.) Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, a thousand times fuck you for opening your jaw-droppingly shitty post by saying "Whee!"

Tom, if you're reading this, you're no doubt thinking that it's hypocritical of me to complain about your complete lack of decency and online etiquette by telling you to fuck off. (How vulgar of me!) But honestly, is there any more appropriate response?

You have no sense of humanity, Tom from Boston. Fuck you.